Terri
I left school as soon as I turned 16, my first job was at District Court House. Life seemed pretty sweet. I was quite the innocent type when it came to worldly or fleshy things, as we call them. I knew there was bad stuff that happened but never experienced a drunken parent, a violent home or even a feeling of being disconnected from my family. I loved my family so much – they meant everything to me. I loved life.
However, for a number of years I was subject to emotional and sexual abuse. I battled constantly in my mind about what to do because it was caused by someone known to my family and friends. So I never spoke up about it because I was afraid. Not afraid for my life, but I was afraid of it hurting my family and causing division and disruption with friends or church because I somehow believed a lie that it was my fault, that I had stuffed up and no one would believe me. So this was my secret and I believed God would help me without causing disruption to anyone else.
After working 4 years at the Hamilton District Court I moved to Australia for a year attending Hillsong International College, completing a diploma in worship and creative arts. I remember a service we had in college and the guest speaker had an altar-call for anyone who had been abused. Although I was still afraid to speak up, I thought “yes!”, now I can deal with it openly at the altar and still no one from home will need to know.
Many years passed and I almost had no memory of the abuse. Then around Christmas time last year (2006) depression started settling on my life and God revealed to me the source. I didn’t realise this depression until someone who knew me best said something. So I finally spoke up and got down to the root that had dug itself far deeper than I had realised. This could be related to any situation or circumstance for you, so I encourage you do something: talk, pray and pray and pray and talk, don’t let the enemy bring lie after lie after lie. The longer you leave it, the deeper it goes, the harder it is to dig out. The person I am today is not even close to the person I was at the end of 2006; I was four dress sizes bigger, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t believe I was going out with the hottest guy on earth. I felt unworthy and undeserving.
I guess God had had enough too, because back in 1979 I was fearfully and wonderfully made. We are so precious to Him and the more we continue to keep our heart soft towards Him, surely things begin to change. I had to change my confession, I had to believe I was forgiven and I had to forgive. It’s never easy but it’s always worth it!! Without Him, I would not be standing here today!
The same year I was in Australia my younger brother Regan died suddenly and unexpectedly. Two days before he died I was sitting in class and Brian Houston was speaking. He asked the students a question, that question was “what would it take to shake you - to rock your world?” Then he shared from Psalm 112:6 and 7 “(the righteous) … Surely he will never be shaken; the righteous will be in everlasting remembrance. He will not be afraid of evil tidings (bad news). His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
I remember so clearly sitting next to my friend Sonja and we both turned at the same time and said “definitely losing a family member”, we both had that agreeing smile of understanding one another and then continued listening to Brian.
Two days later my college day was interrupted by a phone call. My dad was on the line and told me the story; Regan had suffered a cardiac arrest during a high school physical education period, he was in a serious condition. He would call back as soon as there were any changes. At about 3.00 am the next morning was when Dad called to say Regan had died. Where do you go at 3.00 am in the morning? I went back and sat on my bed and just shook and shook and shook - in shock, I guess, and here’s another thing I just love about God; while sitting there shaking I remembered what I had said to Sonja two days earlier, so I started repeating over and over “I will not be shaken, I will not be shaken” all the while shaking uncontrollably. I didn’t understand it, but I’m standing here today, unshaken!
Through all this I just had to start by taking one minute at a time, then soon one day at a time and then eventually I began to be able to see the week ahead.
There are moments in life that will rock our world and that will cause us to shake a little and sometimes, a lot. But through everything that happens and rocks your world, there is a Rock that you stand on. And even though you may not feel that Rock is there, just know that He is the very one that may be helping you breathe for that day, or maybe helping you get out of bed.
He is your rock! I have a lot of questions – but all I need to know is He is my rock!
Psalm 22 is titled: Praise for God’s Deliverance! (notice the praise comes before His deliverance). It says in the first few verses…
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
The God of my strength, in Him I will trust,
My shield and the horn of my salvation,
My stronghold and my refuge; My Saviour,
You save me from violence.
I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies!
If there is one thing I want to remember to do through any pain or a disappointment, that is to call upon His name. There is something about the name Jesus! His name is more powerful than I will ever know, and I know because of His Name, I’m standing here today!
I’ve made some really dumb decisions too. I realise that no matter what difficulties life throws at us – we still have a choice. A couple of years after Regan died, life was great but I wasn’t in the inside. At that time I got involved in a relationship with a non-Christian guy. It felt refreshing and easy! A couple of years later of making one bad decision after the other, it was obvious - this was not the life God had planned for me.
I never stopped loving God; I never stopped believing He was real. But I stopped following Him. Big difference! Jesus said “Follow me”. To believe is not enough, and I wasn’t living the “I give you my whole life God” prayer, as I had already promised Him.
It took me over two years to realise the life I was living was not one to be desired by anyone. The man I was living with was a “nice guy”, he’d never hurt me on purpose, but because of some of his habits it was the lifestyle that really began to hurt. The alcohol, unhealthy habits, gambling and negative outlook on life was neither pretty nor easy.
Few months before the relationship ended I remember putting my bible back out beside my bed. I didn’t read it at first, but I put it out because I didn’t know what else to do – I was desperate. I had become so disconnected from friends and family, my partner was out most nights, and I had no one. But it was at this time I knew like never before the love of God in my life!
I had to make Jesus my partner in life again. His word is true; He is merciful, full of grace and hope. He is the God of the 2nd, 3rd, 10th, 16th chance! Looking back on this journey I can truly say that I am standing here today because of Jesus. Because He never left me throughout. Because He knew what He was doing when He created me. I don’t understand some things, but I understand that my strength comes from Him, my comfort comes from Him, my healing comes from Him, my future is in Him.
I now work at The University of Waikato. I’m a part of a great church, I have so many amazing people around my life. I have the privilege and honour of leading an anointed, exciting, growing, fruitful and loving worship team. I’m getting married to my ‘more than ever dreamed of’ man, I have big dreams and I know I am exactly where I am meant to be now.
I long to fall deeper in love with Jesus and live to worship in everything I do.
There will be plenty of opportunities to either choose the pity party or the praise party, but I know for a fact the pity party doesn’t work, and I know for a fact the praise party works.
If you want healing – Look to the healer
If you want love & acceptance – Look to the Ultimate lover
If you want life – Look to the one who gave His life
If you want to be set free – Look to the one who has the key
If you want hope & faith – Look to Him
Even though you don’t understand, even though it doesn’t add up, even though it’s not fair, even though you’ve asked and asked and asked. Keep your heart, eyes, mind, your whole life looking towards God – He is the answer for everything!
I’m standing here today, not as a victim, but as someone so very grateful! Because I know He never left me, He collected every tear, He lifted my hands when I couldn’t. I can tell you without a lie, every time I step up to lead worship I’m nervously excited, but if you could only read my mind, you would read something like this:
“It’s only by grace, it’s only by faith, it’s only by Your love, that I stand here today. God have your way. I thank you I am a new creation and you called me out of darkness into your light. I could sing of Your love forever; You are worthy, let Your name be exalted as we worship You together – higher Jesus higher!”
Nineteen Seventy Nine was the year I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Back then, of course, I didn’t understand that. But I know it now, and because of that can tell you my story today.
I was raised in a Christian home - my parents were Pastors, so that was my normal. No, our family didn’t get up every morning at 6 am to pray. No, our house was not quiet. No, we didn’t always say our “please” and “thank you’s” at the right times.
Yes, my brothers and I would fight, leave bruises and give the classic dead arm to one another. We played back-yard cricket, hide and seek, go home stay home, and spot light at night. I grew up around the time we drank water from a garden hose not bottled water from the shop. We played elastics and tiggy, fell out of trees and broke bones, we walked to school even in the rain, we rode our bikes with no helmets and would watch the kiwi bird come on TV to say good night when all the programs finished for that day. I remember getting our first microwave oven – it was amazing. There were no Play Stations, X boxes, personal cell phones, DVDs, CDs, or PCs (our first computer was a Commodore 64).
Some other things I remember were, ‘going to church wasn’t an option’. It was never about being dragged out of the house into the car to go to church; in fact I never came to a Sunday and felt like I didn’t want to go, church was another well known home to me. It was a huge part of my life; I remember every Sunday my dad, mum and my brothers arriving early in a school hall to set out chairs, set up the sound, then packing all away again that day. I never thought deeply about it, but I know I learnt about serving. And I’m thankful that I’ve never find it hard to serve in God’s House.
